Angry

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. Eileen Mayhew

Do you know the feeling that seems like you've just been betrayed by yourself?
It's like something that you've hoped for so much and have been SO confident of , in a heartbeat , turned right into a deserted desert leaving you behind hiding in the dark corner whispering to yourself : " It's gonna be alright " when you know deeply in the core of your heart that NO IT'S NOT OKAY.
Everything is just ruined, gone and never you will have another chance to come again.
You get so angry and so depressed about yourself knowing that there is nothing that you can do anymore. You know it's not your fault. You prepared well , you prayed hard , you done everything you could and you did well every single time.
You feel a thunder striking towards the dark spot that your innocent helpless figure was hiding , the light shine onto that lil soul and at that moment you could see clearly how lost you are from the expression of your face.
You can feel every nerve in you, tense, but yet loosing grip as you feel like giving up. You know you can't give up but the voices in your brains and throughout your body refuses to react , they don't seem to want to follow your will that insists on moving on.
Maybe because of the sorrow that was too heavy to bear, the feeling of betrayal flooding your heart , the anger blinding your eyes , the pity expression your body holds towards receiving orders....
But at the end of the day,
the suffering will end.
The thunder and storm fades as well.
Feelings that were unbearable starts to retrieve.
The power of will takes control of everything once more.
And it all starts again.
Right from the beginning.
With no guarantee of a smooth journey,
with risk to be taken towards achieving your goals,
you chose to live.
This is life.
And I'm learning to walk it with the presence of God.
JLoh

Life

It has been a long way,
a tread long story too hard to be told.
All the memories and all the choices made,
warmth, love and care that was poured,
neither you or me could count.
Time passes as we grow,
maturity conquer as complication of our society elevates.
How we act shows how we were brought up,
to be or not to be ,
it was a path that leads to the end.
He rose from the dead,
he took away the end.
What was left was the beginning of life.
Things that He had done was not like anything that we could repay.
Love,
such a word,
what a way to live.
Love mother earth,
like how it loved us back.
Love your parents when you still can ,
for the nurture,
deep, tender and feeling of affection,
so great that you'll regret if you do not repay.
The emotional attachment ,
strong bonding that we are not willing to depart from,
came so sudden,
showed up unexpectedly.
Leaving us with the pain of regrets,
sorrow even depression.
But all that is left are broken pieces of memories,
some even empty , blank spaces that have never been filled.
Working overtime , spending out of pleasure,
having our own family, thinking maybe next time,
were the things that we were doing when they needed you the most.
Now they're gone,
before you realize that there was nothing you could say but all the stories when you were young.
Then you remember,
how they raised you up,
all the effort , hard work , heart broken moment when you left them.
You come to visit once or twice in a year,
just to make sure they don't call you everyday asking you to take good care of yourself
or come home for dinner.
Ignoring their calls ,
taking their multiplying love for you without any sign of appreciation,
abandon them when you think they're getting old.
Now,
the funeral has begun,
sitting on the chair staring at the black rectangular wood made container,
providing a space for the one who made so much sacrifice for you to lie.
This feeling,
so weird, so uneasy,
once again the familiar feeling of the 1st year going to school came back.
Mummy Daddy ! Don't go !
you were yelling,
they stayed for awhile,
although they left later on but you could always see them waiting for you after school at the door.
Now their not coming back this time.
Knowing you could not find them standing at your front door this time.
You wanted so much to hug them again just like how you ran into their arms when you were a child.
Filial love,
so long.
You stood up and went to the stage,
people expect you to say something about them.
But you stood there nervously thinking back how long have you not had a heart to heart conversation,
how long had you not had an interaction with them.
Piles of work, ocean like problems you're facing.
They seem so useless and meaningless now.
Ehem. you said.
The last time you could recall that make tears roll in you ,
was when you left for work.
When their shinny watery eyes gave you their blessings,
and you promised that you would always come back whenever you have time.
The next second,
you knelt down,
crying for forgiveness,
broke down in despair.
But there was nothing you could do now.
So why not we love and care for our parents when we still can,
rather than living in regrets after they pass away?
JLoh